Facebook forced me to force my wife to vote for Trump
I must have gotten amnesia retroactively, because now I have discovered, from a speech given by Hillary Clinton in India, that I forced my wife to vote for Trump. Okay, I do have a vague memory, perhaps a false one, that as I followed my wife into the voting booth, a security guard stopped me and asked me what I was doing. I told him that since Democrats oppose the Second Amendment, I oppose the Nineteenth, the one that gives women the right to vote.
But it wasn’t my fault that I forced my wife to vote for Trump. In fact, I wasn’t even going to vote for him myself. It was Facebook that tricked me into it. There was some kind of questionnaire that I volunteered to fill out. I was assured that the information I divulged about myself in that questionnaire would not be given to anyone else – at least not to anyone except my trusted friends on Facebook – and their friends – and theirs – but it would go no farther than everyone who has any connection to Facebook, which can’t be all that many, can it?
Anyway, after answering all the questions, I began receiving political advertising from the Trump campaign. Their advertising seemed ingeniously directed toward my secret and confidential personality traits. How did they find out that I’m afraid of spiders? Anyway, when they told me Trump is anti-spider, that got my attention, and I started listening more closely to his speeches. And while I never heard him mention spiders in so many words, I received advertising telling me that if I listened between the lines, I would know that he is definitely anti-spider. They also told me Hillary Clinton is pro-spider, and that pretty much sealed the deal.
So it came to pass that even though I am in favor of intrusive government and onerous taxation, two of my passions that had led me to support Hillary, I just could not stand the thought of having to adopt pet spiders, especially the big hairy ones. Trump warned me that that was the secret agenda of the Democrat Party, and I was terrified.
In desperation, I warned my wife of what would happen if she voted for Hillary, but she would not listen. So I wrestled her into the voting booth and forced her to pull the Hillary lever. I mean, I do believe in the secret ballot, but not for wives.
Anyway, now that I am being erased from Facebook and Google, and disappearing from every internet mention of my name, the only person in the world who has my personal information is a very trustworthy guy who is about to inherit billions of dollars. He must be honest, because he is a Nigerian prince.
He will keep me from becoming the man who never was.